The Loneliest Time
A year went on just like that! Sitting here in front of the monitor laughing at myself, murmuring how stupid I have been for the past months.
Apparently, I took a leap this year! Just when 26 is about to end, I moved out of my parent’s house. Most of the time being impulsive will be the cause of my death nor my saving grace. Ever since my guardian angel left me physically I couldn’t understand the sadness within, and staying at home where we enjoyed every moments of our days felt like a deep cut repeatedly pinned in my heart, I knew I had to leave home.
Living alone — is always the dream since college. Finally I can be the protagonist on a movie where the girl meets the world as if the it revolves around her, as she goes through the inconvenience of life as we know it. It wasn’t like that. The idea is to be a responsible adult the one who manages her chores, work and finances well — I forgot I have to take care of myself too. Then it went on, until I found comfort with strangers. Remember when our parents told us to not to talk to strangers? My parents wouldn’t be proud of me if only they knew. Somehow, they gave me the attention I’ve been avoiding for years, didn’t knew I yearn for that kind of affection. I got lost along the way.
I get addicted to the feeling, I can say that it boosted my confidence in an utterly misconducting way. It’s all vague now, until I met a match. He blew my mind whenever we had our conversations be it politics, humor, interests, and even when being frisky he ticked all the checkbox. They say someone will make your world upside down, I never really believed that as someone who can’t see herself in a relationship. We were in one in the same for a moment until it wasn’t, until I realized that I was falling for him. He wasn’t.
It was September, when I decided to put my attention to stuff I really wanted to pursue since leaving home. Bought my cooking paraphernalia, a guitar, and even a fucking cleaning tools just to remove him from my system.
It’s almost a month now. When he decided to pop-up in my life again. Not gonna lie, I was really expecting him to reach out at the back of my mind. All those sleepless nights where I think of him where my thoughts circled around him all of a sudden had an answer.
Are you seeing someone new? I hope you are happy, no seriously, I do. Life’s been tough lately huh? Same here. What makes you busy these days? I hope I didn’t brought any worries to you, I know, you had a lot in your plate right now. I just don’t want to be a reason for another heartache, another loss. How was your day? Your life after me? It was really hard to ignore you, if only you knew how much effort I need to tell myself not to bother you.
For the second time, I chose myself. It had me thinking that even a wee bit I do love myself. I’m so scared to get hurt even more that I straight up ended our thing, I knew if we proceeded casually there might be something there that might blossom based on his previous stories with somebody else. I don’t want to risk it — suddenly, it hit me I want someone who is so sure of me I won’t feel the need to rush things.
Right now, I can’t tell if this is self-love as someone who doesn’t know what that supposed to mean but I’m learning to vibe alone until I’m valued. Wouldn’t say that I will be able to ignore his call if he ever reach out again but I’m hoping that my love for myself is stronger.
Is it a requirement to feel like a shit before you’ll learn what you want and how you wanted to be seen? Can’t we just skip and have the good things in life? It’s tiring honestly! Not gonna end this with a good note however, somehow I’m still learning to give my time and focus to the people who’re important to me. Stay focused to pursue the things I wanted since it’s long overdue! I’m just done. Done of handling all these negativities in my mind, though I’m not in a place for a sudden positivity. Just casually strutting in this fucked up world.
